i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
