I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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