why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
