You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
it glows. i had to have it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Drunk is not a location!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
