I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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