it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
