It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
