im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
