Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
