He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
