my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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