I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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