i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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