the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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