I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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