I think I died a long time ago.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Drunk is not a location!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
