I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
