This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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