So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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