Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
