Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
