Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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