I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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