I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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