I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
