the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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