cat food counts as protein by the way
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
