i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
