well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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