After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I love you.
Bad choice
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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