It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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