I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
