So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
