It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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