Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
