i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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