Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
