trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
