someone threw a dead crab at me
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
