peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
