Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
