My girlfriend figured out who you are.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
