sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
