Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
