he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
