Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
