Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
