I like my sex mixed with concussions.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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