In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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