i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
