Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
